Introducing carers

In our home, having a carer was always a big ‘NO,’ as far as my Mum was concerned, rooted in old-fashioned values of strong independence, and the belief that needing help was a weakness. We all know that's not true; asking for help is brave and can lift a huge burden.

I tried discussing with Mum the idea of incorporating some help into our daily routines, but she always responded with denial and anger, saying things like; ‘this is my house’ and ‘I can do it myself.’ I understood her fear of losing control, and more so her 'role' she had lived for 50+ years. So, I talked about her wants, likes, and dislikes, trying to reassure her that this is our home, and no one would take that away, nor change it.

During the lock down, Mum took up daily walking as a hobby, which fulfilled her desire to be around people, especially those her age. Living with her adult children could only offer her so much. Her shyness has disappeared, and she now enjoys the attention.

I tried a different approach with Mum for seeking assistance, without using the words carer, home help, or a cleaner, but rather a friend, someone warm and familiar who could spend time with her, and take her out for a special treat. This approach worked! I found a private carer through the community, who suited our situation better than going through the NHS, as Mum needed something personal, one-on-one, and familiar. Seeing multiple faces without forming a real bond, wouldn’t have made a difference, and would have made Mum feel like she was being handed off to strangers, which I didn’t want.

I met with the private carer in one of our local cafes, and had a thorough chat about what I was struggling with, but more so how we could work together, to help Mum accept support. She was warm and understanding. She described how common it is, for both individuals with dementia, and the older generation, to initially resist accepting help. Nearly every client she cared for, experienced denial and resentment towards needing assistance, at first.

Everything takes time and patience, and most importantly she had to be the right fit for Mum.

We now consider Mum’s carer a real friend, who has lightened our load, and allowed us to return to a more normal life. Everything feels calmer and less chaotic, knowing we’d have some downtime, which made the days seem shorter. I found that writing down the questions I wanted to ask was easier, as she was there to help ME with Mum. This was simpler than asking for help on behalf of Mum. I knew the questions I needed to ask to ease my mind, as I didn’t want to leave just anyone in my home, with my vulnerable Mum. Much like an interview because, after all, she would be looking after the person I love the most, and stepping into my shoes, so they have to be the right fit!