Incontinence, the good, the bad and the runny...

Let's be honest, discussing bowel habits isn't pleasant, but there was a point when it felt like it was all I talked about.

Understanding the Signs

Initially, I noticed subtle signs with Mum, aside from the obvious wet spot on her trousers. A faint smell here and there made me question whether or not she'd had an accident. She frequently adjusted her underwear, which raised my concerns.

Mum had three children, so her bladder wasn't as strong as it once was. Panty liners were enough for minor accidents, which can happen to anyone. We've all had a laughing fit and an "oops" moment!

The Morning Routine

However, there were mornings when I'd wake up half asleep, head to the bathroom, and find feces everywhere—on the floor, walls, sink, and toilet seat. Everywhere but IN the toilet. Let's just say, without the light on, it could end up between your toes too.

Managing the other end was a different challenge. Finding the right balance between constipation and diarrhea was my biggest task. After all, when you have to go, you have to go!

The Hygiene Battle

Preventing her from using her fingers to defecate and then running them through her hair, creating the most ghastly highlights I'd ever seen, was difficult. The smell was unbearable and absorbed into everything. If I didn't reach her in time, her trousers would have feces smeared down her thighs, on her t-shirt, and under her fingernails, all while she stood eating a bag of Mini Cheddars. Hygiene 101! She ignored any signs to wash her hands, which frustrated me as she wiped it all over the toilet paper too.

In the early stages, Mum was aware of her accidents and became very upset, constantly apologizing and acknowledging she couldn't reach the toilet in time. I admitted fault on a couple of occasions that maybe the second dose of laxative wasn't needed, but constipation caused Mum so much pain that the quicker she found relief, the better. I knew she was embarrassed. We tried to make light of it, keeping things lighthearted, while the washing machine filled with her entire drawer of pants!

The Cleaning Process

There was no dignified way to handle feces; it's messy and smells, and the longer you leave it, the harder it is to clean. Quickly stripping her down, cleaning her, washing mats and soiled clothes, and disinfecting the floor and walls for the 100th time was the only way I could cope. Making sure she didn't wipe any on me in the process was crucial, as she always hated anything related to personal care, becoming agitated and unwilling to stand still for cleaning.

Our toilet wasn't large to begin with, so it was easy to make contact with any surface. Mum refused to wear adult diapers or any incontinence underwear, so large panty liners were the only solution. After all, reasoning with Mum was impossible, and she didn't follow instructions to clean herself or give herself time to reach the toilet. It was literally in my hands!

Staying Alert

I kept my bedroom door open to hear when she made her way to the toilet, checking for accidents during the night. I noticed the small trail of pebbles around her room that had fallen down her trouser leg. I asked her if she could feel the need to use the toilet or if she was losing sensation. Unfortunately, Mum didn't understand what I was asking her, so everything had to be checked. Prompts for needing the toilet, asking about tummy pains, and tracking those dreaded farts were necessary!

Emotional Challenges

Mum had some intimate issues, which sometimes scared her from using the toilet. Childhood issues of being forced by her own mother to use the toilet before outings, even when not needed, resurfaced. This added to the confusion of whether she needed the toilet or not, or at least thinking she did!

There were other times when Mum would stand up, appear distressed, and say, "it's coming." We'd strongly encourage her to get to the toilet, but by then it was too late.

Trusting the Signs

Can you really trust a fart? This was another problem. It felt invasive to keep pulling Mum's pants down to check or to smell near her backside for any dreaded odors. In the end, we based it on how long a smell lingered before acting, with no other obvious signs, and how often she pulled at her underwear.

If incontinence isn't addressed, it can lead to UTIs and other infections. We always ensured Mum was clean and dry in her private area to prevent moisture from harboring bacteria and other nastiness. Ammonia in urine can burn the skin and cause inflammation, which is very uncomfortable, especially when it's rubbing against a pad. Ouch!

Similarly, feces can cause sores on the skin, and once dried on, it's uncomfortable to peel off aging, thinning skin.

Better Days

On better days when Mum made it to the toilet on time, she would stand up and pull her trousers up once 'finished,' unaware she was still relieving herself. I'd simply tell Mum to "sit back down, you're not done," as she clearly had no idea, with feces bouncing off the toilet seat, onto the floor.

This continues to this day, with the help of puppy pads placed around the toilet to make cleanup easier, with less contact and quicker!

Conclusion

Navigating the challenges of incontinence is a journey filled with ups and downs. It requires patience, understanding, and a lot of love. I remind myself that every day is a new opportunity to support Mum and ensure her dignity remains intact. We may face these challenges together, but I know that I am not alone in this journey.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, remember to take care of yourself too. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate this path. For more resources and to connect with others who understand, visit What About Me.