Me, Them and Everyone I Love

How being a carer affects my relationships...

Personal Relationships 

I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, and honestly, I'm a bit nervous about it, especially since I'm taking care of my Mum now. I worry about whether I’ll have the time for someone else and if my Mum's circumstances will make things complicated. Will anyone want to deal with my situation? All she ever wanted was for me to find someone nice who treats me well. Whether she’d understand if that happens is a different story, but I like to think there’s a part of her that would.

Relationships with Family Members 

I genuinely believe that a dementia diagnosis can reveal the true values and perspectives of family members when a loved one faces health challenges.

Our family is relatively small and does not live close to one another, which means that visits tend to be limited to two or three times a year for some members. Additionally, my brother, who lives abroad, makes a short annual visit, and my niece occasionally joins us for weekends. This dynamic shapes our interactions and the way we support one another during this time.

I’ve learned that everyone handles illness differently. Some of my family members show love through phone calls and texts, others by staying away because they find it too painful. I used to take that personally, now I try to see it as part of how we all cope.

I used to be the one who dealt with family gatherings. Now I’m the one who can’t always show up or who shows up tired and distracted.

Sometimes, being Mum’s carer means I’m no longer just her daughter. That’s a hard thing to explain unless you’ve lived it.

Being a carer has changed every relationship I have; some became more distant, others unexpectedly deeper. But more than anything, it’s taught me that love looks different when life gets hard.

My Relationship with Mum

My relationship with Mum has changed a lot. I’ve taken on the ‘Mum’ role, and she’s become more dependent and vulnerable. It's hard to see her becoming frail and older. I’m really grateful for the Mum I had growing up, and now it is my turn to give back and continue to show her the same love she gave me. Remembering who she was helps me keep loving her as she changes. I feel lucky to still have a relationship with her.

Sometimes, as her main carer, I feel like I’ve lost my identity as her Daughter and become just someone she relies on for everything. Resentment creeps in now and then as I miss my old life, some friends, my social life, and so on—but I remind myself that my life will continue when this tough time becomes a memory. I treasure the time we have left because, honestly, who knows how long we all have?.

Relationships with my Friends 

As my free time shrank, I noticed some of my friends didn’t really know how to deal with it. I don’t think they fully understood the new pressures I was under since every person living with dementia is different. After all some people can live alone happily for years with carers checking in, but my Mum couldn’t do that because of how Alzheimer’s affects her.

When I could meet up with friends, it was usually in the evenings after Mum had gone to bed. Even then, I wasn’t great company because I was constantly checking our home camera system to make sure she was okay. I began to notice fewer invites and more assumptions that I was too busy. I was pretty sure that wasn’t the case; they had just moved on with their lives. Life doesn’t stop for anyone. Some friends I heard from rarely, while others would check in occasionally.

Since I was unemployed, I couldn’t afford much, so our meet-ups were mostly at the local pub for a chat, I can tell they found it hard to hear about what I was going through and didn’t know what to say, and having them come round to my house rarely proved successful. I had to understand that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. My Mum would never mean to be unwelcoming; and I'm sure for them it was difficult to see how much she’d changed. This really impacted my social life, and I quickly became quite isolated.

Going through something like this as a carer shows you who your true friends are. I’m happy to say I’ve kept the real ones.