Home is a feeling

Whilst I have been caring for my mum, one sentence that she often says during moments of distress is, "I want to go home." I found that telling her, "You are home, Mum," never worked. There was clearly a 'need' that had to be fulfilled, but sometimes it was extremely hard to determine what that was. It could be something as simple as hunger, thirst, feeling cold, or needing the loo, so these were always my first options to consider. If it wasn't any of those, it became a game of "guess what."

Mum was always a very busy person, constantly doing something in or around the house. Now, as she is no longer able to do what she used to, it seems her 'need' is to feel or appear busy, which is often why she asks to go home, seeking something familiar. I notice this as she wanders around the house, trying to feel as though she is doing something productive. However, finding activities to engage her isn't always easy, as she gets distracted and loses interest very quickly.

It is very hard to know where she is in her memories, or 'her world'. So, I went back to basics—the very beginning of becoming a mum. I purchased a baby doll. Although it is still early days with this new introduction, it represents her purpose: to be a mum, to nurture, and to care. This is something that can help her feel needed; I can fulfill her desire to be busy like before and alleviate her frustrations about what she can no longer do quite so easily.

I found that a simple request for help soon brought her back round; for example, "Mum, can you look after the baby while I get a few jobs done, please? This would help me out a lot." Like a duck to water, she would cradle the doll, appearing content, and her need slowly emerged: 'to feel needed.' There is no guarantee this will be a long-term solution, but we move with the changes together.