Masking behaviour

While caring for my mum, I often observed how her behaviour varied with each person she interacted with. As her Daughter and primary carer, I spend every day with her since we live together. I help her with everything, preparing all her meals and handling all the tasks a carer typically undertakes, which allows me to witness every emotion and change in behaviour.

I started to notice that when family members visited, Mum would act like her 'normal' self—eating properly, using cutlery, and seeming to understand conversations. Much to my disbelief, I had previously informed them that she struggles with such tasks now. I often felt as though I was going mad and imagining things.

After our family left, her behaviour would revert to what I had observed when it was just her and me. I would ask Mum why she seemed to 'forget' again after having just done it for the past couple of hours. This frustrated me, and I began to think she simply enjoyed having things done for her. After all, it is the smaller tasks that consume most of my day, often just when I finally have a chance to sit down!.

When I confided in others about these behaviours, I was often reassured that I was simply tired and needed a break. I felt as though a false picture of me was being painted. I don't want to invade Mum's privacy by recording her every move, as it feels unnatural and invasive.

On the other hand, I am pleased that Mum hasn't forgotten how to do these things, but I needed to understand why she could choose when to do them. I decided to go online to see if others in my situation were experiencing similar issues, and I discovered the concept of 'masking in dementia.'

Masking in dementia involves a person using coping strategies such as humour, avoidance, or deflection to conceal their cognitive challenges and preserve their dignity. It serves as a way to hide memory loss or confusion from others, driven by a fear of losing their sense of self and independence. To assist someone who is masking, carers should respond with patience, refrain from criticism, and emphasise collaborative problem-solving rather than confronting their behaviour. Recognising the underlying need for control or fear of appearing "less than themselves" is essential for building trust and fostering a more supportive care environment.